how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
