I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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