She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
