I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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