Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
