I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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