I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
3 2 1 whiskey
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
