He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
