you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
