Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
