i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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