call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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