I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
