he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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