Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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