I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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