All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
