He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
