Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
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I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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