I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
and eventually we just all took our pants off
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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