Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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