We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I currently don't understand fingers.
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