I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
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he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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