I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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