I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
