the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
