Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
