Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
