please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
