just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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