I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
