So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
