I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
