I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
