ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
