I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
