So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
