I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
