Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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