Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
