david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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