God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
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I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
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