id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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