I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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