He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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