I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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