So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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