Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Already got asked if we're dating
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
