You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
