new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
