some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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