See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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