I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
