i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
