got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
