Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
